A little reflecting...

A little reflection can go a long way...
My last post was about a woman in my ward named Ashleigh. She past away in Sept. and left four darling children ages five and under, without their sweet mom. The bishop came to see me one night and asked if there was a way that I could help take care of these children, being a nanny, with another mom/family in the ward. This is a temporary situation until they can get family here permanently to help take care of these children. I agreed to do it, and was very worried about the whole logistics of everything. What was I supposed to do if my children were sick? I don't want to drag my kids to their house and infect their kids. What if I have Dr.'s appts. school plays, concerts, carpool? etc. etc. etc.. I was super relieved when the Bishop told me that I knew the other family in the ward that was willing to help... To my surprise, it was only one of my best friends ever....Lezlie. "Yes" I thought! I CAN do this! WE can do this! We both feel comfortable enough with each other to do whatever we need to for each other. I love working with her because we are both on the same page with what we can do for these children. Some days, some are doing fine, and other days, some are not.

It is difficult to leave my family early in the mornings before anyone is awake and not get home until almost dinner time. Most days, by the time I get home, I am so exhausted that I don't get much done here. I do get to take Sydnie and Aubrie with me a lot and this has proved to be both a blessing and a challenge. (imagine 6 kids, 5 and under... uh-hu.) I love spending time with my girls and I have missed them so much when I can't be here at home. But I also love spending time with Ashleigh's kids and I try to make everyday a "good" day for those little kids. Some times are better than others and some times it is so hard.

How does a five year old interpret that mommy is in Heaven? How about the 3yr old twins, or 2 yr old toddler? The spectrum is so broad, it just depends. I love the quiet times that I get to spend with them talking about how mommy loves them still and ALWAYS will. We sometimes color together, cuddle up with a book, or sing songs together. But unfortunately, sometimes a day is full of disciplining, crying, tantrums, and so on.... you know, like pretty much any family would be with four kids 5 and under.

Trying to figure out how each one is grieving and how to respond is difficult.
Lezlie and I have found that these children are weaving their way into our hearts and we love them. This last week their daddy had to go away on work for 5 days. So, we both took 24 hour shifts for those 5 days. It was difficult to be away from our own families. I feel torn, like I am missing so much of my kids lives and I miss them terribly when I am there and not here. But, I also feel so blessed to be able to help these sweet four children of Ashleigh's, go through the healing process. I know their daddy is doing a wonderful job loving them and spending time with them, I also know that he is healing too. I often wonder if I am helping to mold these little ones the way Ashleigh would want them molded. Am I teaching them what she would want taught? I know that this will only be for a brief time, and I am sure that these kids won't remember much about our time together when they are all grown up, but I want them to remember being loved. (Both my children and Ashleigh's.) I never want them to have a life without feeling loved.

The answers are all found in the Savior. He is the ultimate Healer. His is the ultimate Love. He is the one I count on everyday to give me guidance, the one I find myself turning to at the moments when I don't know what needs to be done or how to do it. I am grateful that Lezlie and I don't have to come up with all the answers on our own. The stakes are too high. I am grateful for a loving Father in Heaven and for my Savior, Jesus Christ. They do have ALL the answers. Just remember that!

To all of my amazing AZ friends! I love you still and miss you much and wish you all the happiness and blessings you can hold. And to my amigos here, Thanks for all you do for me!
Hugs and kisses!